For once I feel that way, ha ha. ^^subject^^
I just realized I wrote a blog yesterday and did not post it, and it’s not in my drafts folder, oh well. I’ll start over!
My blogs are always depressing, well at least the last 2.5 years worth are. Someday I guarantee they will be back to all positives and no negatives. I’m getting better. I was telling someone yesterday, despite me having the worst year of my life, right now, I couldn’t feel more like a normal human than ever. So I’m physically falling apart, as long as it’s temporary, and I’m not dying, that’s always a positive, LOL. Mentally though, i’ve never been better, though with all the weird things going on, sometimes I feel like I complain too much. I am thankful for Adderall. I now understand why some kids need it, I feel like I was one of those kids that was just never given the chance. I look back to my school days and I now know why I was the way I was and couldn’t finish college and hated school. I now know why I had so many problems as a teenager. It’s disturbing to think my mom just totally had no clue. They did so many things wrong in regards to my educational/attention deficit needs. Right now i’ve never felt so empowered. Heck, if only I was afforded this opportunity while in school, and not passed off as just a kid with an attitude, I could have totally been a valedictorian. As i’ve said before, my brain is like a 24/7 stock ticker that runs data like computers, 01010110101010101010 all day and night. I have always been like that, but the problem was I was never able to stay focused enough to remember what I was intaking. Now since i’ve been returned to Adderall for 10 months, my ability to learn has increased 1000% and I remember everything. My short-term memory has gone kaput, but at least that might be reversible (later on that). The medicine is not for everyone though. You really do have to have a heart made of steel. I tolerate the side effects OK because I have always had tachycardia (rapid heart rate). My entire life i’ve had a resting rate of 100+bpm. I can understand how it could give someone a heart attack. I don’t get how or why it’s abused. I guess I don’t understand because I don’t even know how you get a high off something like this because it don’t do anything except keep me in control.
I know why kids would take one or two on occasion to study, that I can identify. Just like I don’t get how people abuse Ambien either. I have been on Ambien for 14 months, and if you take it, it’s like you just fall asleep. Why would you want to abuse it? I think Eminem famously went on a break for a few years for an Ambien addiction. I just don’t get that. My insomnia is out of control, Ambien doesn’t do squat for it, but there are days when I don’t take it, and sometimes I sleep just fine. I also don’t get how someone can abuse Xanax either. I went off of it in August after periodic use just fine, and once again, it just knocks me out, even being on the smallest dose they make (.25mg). There is no fun to be had. I guess meds just don’t give me the same feeling other people get, which I guess is a good thing.
I want to pull my kids from Monroe Public Schools. I have never in my life seen kids go from substantial improvement in June, then entering a new school, and having a dramatic decline. Going to school there is like “thug life”. The parents are rough, the kids are rough. I now have to listen to my son coming in and saying the word “snitch” and asking me about “yo mamma” jokes. WTH? I moved far away from the Detroit area to get away from the increasing ghetto’ness of that area, only to move to a community that is awesome, but the school suck ass. If I can, they will be pulled within 2 weeks. Andrew cannot even READ yet and he’s supposed to be going in 2nd grade next year? The teacher rarely communicates except to tell me he’s got nature paraphenalia in his backpack (branches, leaves, cat tails) or something irrelevant. I’m so ashamed at myself for moving and putting them there. I want to try to go private but that may have to wait til next school year. I want to give Jefferson public a try, at least their reviews are good. No bussing, but hey, I don’t mind because right now they stand in a spot where someone was killed last year, and about 5 people a month get hit by cars it seems (may be an exaggeration, but still, it’s wayyy too much). I’m so disturbed and I blame myself. They were both doing so well at the end of last school year. I should have known better. Not only have locals told me to avoid going to Mercy Memorial when I moved here, I was also warned about the schools. Everybody puts their kids in private schools around here. That’s exactly the problem. This may sound arrogant, but anybody that can afford it, along with all the good kids don’t go to public, so all that’s left are a few good kids, and thug life wannabe’s.
OMG I’m loving this winter. I would never say that, but it hasn’t snowed except 3 times and it’s been warm!!! It’s almost the end of February and today it was 43 degrees. It will be 50 tomorrow!! It’s so weird, but I’m loving it. It’s definitely helped in my recovery though, because all I needed was depressing weather to get me down.
Next week I start seeing a psychiatrist to manage the ADHD. And yes, that’s all that’s wrong with me, well aside from anxiety, but I manage that without meds. I’m not going because I’m mental, lol. I’m taking the events of last year and putting myself back together piece by piece. It’s very slow, because I have health issues that make it hard, but I’m getting there. My dosage of medicine needs to be more regularly monitored because I don’t think it’s working to it’s full extent due to my malabsorbtion issues. Not to mention, I’m frankly pissed off at my doctor’s office, hurt, and god knows, grr, just angry with them. I have had this uber awesome relationship with my clinic, but I really think with all the surgeries i’ve had in the last 3 years, and subsequent complications, it’s getting to be too difficult for them to manage. I’m very bothered by the fact that I suffered for 2 months with horrific anemic side effects and other plummeting labs, only for them to never tell me that was what was wrong. I found out on my own, found specialists on my own, and still ended up in the hospital where they were trying to tell me I was sleepy, not getting enough oxygen to the brain, and cold because I had anxiety, when I knew that is not what happened when I had anxiety. Not only that one incident, but I had my blood re-drawn. They flat out REFUSED to give me my results. I called several times and asked could they please tell me. In the meantime, I’m in horrific joint pain from the elbows to my finger tips, my fingers are no longer pink and my arms look like they belong to a well deceased corpse. How could they do this to me?
So anyway, I called around to a few internists, and finally found one. I found a good one where my friend Julie just got a job. They are pretty good. They got me in, seen the issue, told me if it doesn’t clear up, it’s iron infusion time (chemo-like treatment, except you get iron for hours a day for weeks). They were honest, and came right out with it. They called my Dr’s office and got results literally, within 1 minute. Oh, no problem them getting it, and I can’t even get the nurse I have had a great relationship with for 7 years to talk to me. I think I just became a problem patient because I had so much going on, and it’s literally been one right after another. I’m sorry I have complications from the best choice I made in life, the gastric bypass. I still wouldn’t trade it for anything. Best decision ever. So I have these little problems that temporarily affect me. If I could just get this blood problem under control, life would be back to normal. It took 2 1/2 years but I’m finally starting to see the weight loss when looking in the mirror. If that isn’t the weirdest thing, but yeah, I knew that was common long before my surgery… I just didn’t think it would take this long. I’m very sad leaving my clinic, because I have an emotional attachment with them. I mean, my nurse has been with me through everything. She had a lapband a year after me, had the same problems I did ultimately, and had a gastric bypass 2 years after me, so we could relate on a lot of levels. I honestly thought that I was more than just the typical patient, so yeah, I’m disheartened. She was there to hug me when I needed it after all this. Oh well, my old docs office will probably get a notification from the state and my insurance that i’ve had controlled substances filled with another doctor and if they know, but oh well, I had to go to someone else to manage my situation and my Adderall and Ambien.
So I see the psych to talk about the ADHD next week. I also need to talk about what happened last summer. I mean, I harbor so much anger over what happened in that hospital that it will live with me and haunt me forever. I have anxiety when going to the doctors office now. I’m so freaking paranoid of people thinking bad things of me for no reason that I obsess over it. Why did they have to do that to me? To put it lightly, if I was in a car accident on the main road by the hospital in town, and it was life-threatening, I would rather die than be taken to that hospital. Thinking like that is really bad since I have a family I love dearly, but I would probably die of a heart attack or stroke just knowing I was being taken there. I should literally get a tattoo on my arm that says not to take me there under any circumstances. I wish the damn place would burn to the ground, everybody escaping except for the nurses who did this to me, the public relations lady and a couple of doctors. Isn’t that horrible? LOL Every time I read the obits and I see “died on xx/xx/xxxx at x:xx at Mercy Memorial” I always wonder……. medical error or natural.
So anyway, about my current issues. It’s so bad my hands are and finger nail beds are now white. I have bad joint pain, and it’s almost as if I’ve developed bad rheumatoid arthritis over the past 4 months. Very sudden onset. I was getting my ANA tested to check for an autoimmune disorder (still don’t know those results), but most likely it’s blood related, and so is the 5 epsidoes of hypoxia i’ve had in random moments. I am rapidly losing the ability to use my hands. Thankfully I can still type because I have very little finger movement when typing, but things as simple as opening a vitamin bottle, rolling dough, brushing my hair, buttoning things, have become impossible. My daily life is impacted and it’s bothering me. I can’t take NSAIDs, and god knows I don’t want any narcotics, but I don’t know what to do. My hands have taken on a skeletal look, and grocery shopping is next to impossible. They seen I was having a hard time at Walmart tonight and offered someone to help me load, but I declined because I don’t want anybodies help. I’m 31 years old, this isn’t fair. I have quadrupled my iron intake (script thanks to new doctor) and I haven’t seen any results yet, I’m getting worse by the week. Thank god only my joints in my arms and hands are affected for now. They told me it’s happening because my blood isn’t able to carry oxygen to my extremeties. Exactly. That’s exactly what was happening when I went to the hospital, except it was my brain not getting oxygen, and that’s likely why sometimes I sleep for days. I’m being very proactive about everything wrong with me because I don’t want to end up a worst-case-scenario gastric bypass patient with complications. I make sure to get my blood done regularly to monitor these things. My labs didn’t start to become affected until after the hospital incident last summer, and it still bugs me and what they gave me and wondered did that do something to me. Creepy coincidence or just my luck? I will never know. I have had a persistent abdominal pain since a week after what happened. I also lately have extreme blood loss at that “woman” time, and my blood comes out very brown in color out of any cut I get, and I bleed profusely when I do get cut. I just hope I have some improvement soon.
Otherwise, I’m very happy, life is good at the moment, if I could just jump this one last hurdle and get my kids education sorted out life would be great!
So I think Julie’s “dead hand syndrome” has finally caught up with me. It’s so disgusting and painful. No my nails aren’t dirty, I literally look like a corpse from the elbows down.
Before Julie was diagnosed with Raynauds I always picked on her dead hands. The slightest temperature change turns her hands white and numb. Well, I know how that feels now. Even if it’s 78 degree’s in here, a slight dip of a degree will turn my hands cold.
Here is Julie with her problem, and the following 2 pictures are me now, and me before.. of course, she is half mexican, so she’s darker and it’s wayyy more noticeable!:
This was about 2 weeks ago… they had gone white, and came back pink over about 20 minutes. Yes, they are dirty and have some oil paint crusted in the corners, lol. That stuff does NOT come off, so i’ve learned! My nails are starting to disintegrate rapidly.
