I collapsed again today.
My life and my accidents somehow always end up recorded, lol. Everything is consuming me and I’m fearing I’m losing control. It’s not even a depression thing, it’s a “how much can one gal take” without going insane thing. I definitely need to speak to someone because this is getting a bit too much to handle. I had a goal to be off anti-anxieties by October, when Ava turns 1. I wasn’t diagnosed until 3 months post-partum and I don’t take them daily, except for the last month. They were taken strictly as needed. As events unfolded one after another the anxiety is building. What happened to 2011? Why is it that when one thing goes wrong, it’s like a domino effect for me? This is not fair. I don’t even want to ask “What’s next?”. I talked to Julie on the phone tonight any and she’s like, you know what, don’t even say that because your luck, you don’t even want to know. It’s been another bad day of anxiety, reliving what I went through. Thankfully I have plenty on my side, but I can’t stop writing and talking about it. Writing is my way of life, what I do.
My wrists are so damaged, mostly my left one so much that I cannot pick up the baby, open and close doors, or even pick up a simple peanut butter jar. The hospital denies even doing anything to that arm despite the pictures and confirmation from their own doctor and nurse. I’ve got a headache, it’s 2:35a.m. and this should not be keeping me up again. Why me?
The boys have started school and that has taken a lot of the stress out of my day. It was hard when they were running around all day like chickens with their heads cut off. Andrew has found a new way of annoying me when he comes home from school now. He changes his voice, and this voice is so annoying it makes you want to just strangle him LOL. It’s him though, and he’s got one crazy imagination. They both seem to like their school despite me not like it or it’s crowd at all.
I’ve been running fevers on and off for 3 weeks due to who knows what. My left side hurts and they told me today my stomach is actually where I pointed. Is my new stomach or my remnant stomach there though? I had no choice on 2 occasions but to take NSAIDS, ibuprofen to be exact. I was desperate and Tylenol wasn’t cutting it. I’m feeling really sick right now and I wish this would just pass. I’m on a Z pack right now. I just cannot believe how my joints are hurting me so bad. I mean heck, I have suspected scoliosis from my last physical a couple months ago that has yet to be ruled out via x-ray and confirmed degenerative arthritis in my lower spine, and then I went through all that with my damn tail bone, and yeah, it hurts. I need my wrists to function as a mother though, no way around that. I need my back to bathe my girls. Matt is going back to work tomorrow so today I got a new script for Adderall, a Z pack and some ultram. I’m getting a bad headache so I doubt the ultram is working. I haven’t had any Adderall in weeks so it’s not that causing my headache.
I think my body has just had enough and the stress is taking it’s toll. This all needs to be over with soon because winter is coming and I get S.A.D. I just 2011 over with. If 2011 was a “being” I would murder it in a heartbeat. Murder might be harsh, but how else do you want to rid yourself of a year that has been the worst of your 31 years of life. I have been hit with everything in the last 6 months, and more than a typical person in a lifetime in the past 2 1/2 years.
Enough about me and my problems not caused by me. My mom is having her mastectomy on Sept. 27th. I can’t believe it, but it’s outpatient. It’s odd things that big are done on an outpatient basis. I hope it all goes well. I thought she was due for radiation before then but I guess not til after. Her PET scan revealed nothing has spread which is awesome. All 4 kids spent time over there today while I went to my attorney and doctor’s appointments. I ordered a french dip from Wild Coney since I was in the area and was actually hungry for once so we had that for dinner, hours later of course.
I’ve lost my sisters clarinet in the move and I need to find it. She says it’s not important but I know it’s somewhere, and it’s going to bother me until I find it. We are all musicians 🙂 Chris is 9 and he’s been playing the trumpet since he was 8 in private lessons. We had to quit lessons when we moved though, so I think for now we’ll wait a little longer before I search for another instructor.
Right now I am pouring so much sweat and my head is throbbing from the right front. I have no way of even telling how high my fever is at the moment because my thermometers battery died last night. I hope these new antibiotics work. I don’t need to be ill any more. I’m weak, I get very little protein in my diet, dehydrated, you name it. I lost an additional 10lbs in the last 3 weeks but put a few back on I noticed today. I’m tired of people telling me I look tired. I know that. Things can only go up from here… well, when I get over this. I look forward to the day when I can get back to the gym and be my old spunky self that works out and keeps myself healthy.
I am homesick, it sucks being so far away from my family, but it’s strangely therapeutic. I’m not in their business and they aren’t in mine. I make all my business public though because I don’t care anymore. I wish people would stop hiding things from me though. I found out some things in the last few weeks and am really bothered by it.
I love my doctors office. Who needs a therapist when I have the most awesome practitioners out there. No for real I feel like I’m too much to handle at this point. Someone my age shouldn’t have to be there every month, but I am. I got a good recommendation for a psychologist, even if it’s just for the short-term. I need to learn how to deal with tragedy.
I can’t believe that on Sunday we had an opportunity to go to the Detroit Zoo for free. It was General Electric’s private time, free food, and free admission. I didn’t feel well and I didn’t know if I could walk it. As I said, I’m very weak right now. I can’t push a stroller, and driving is a whole ‘nother task. I had to go out pharmacy shopping to find someone who had my meds in stock and that was a killer. It’s the first time i’ve been driving in a while and turning the wheel hurt my wrists a lot.
It’s 3:00a.m. and there is a reason why I’m up so late. I’ve had a very positive day and a very negative day all in a 6 hour period. I just don’t want to even leave my house anymore. I’m writing because I’m sitting here watching the ridiculous Red Eye on Fox. All we watch is Fox News in our private time with no kids. Speaking of news, I did not watch one ounce of 9/11 coverage. I have relived that moment thousands of times and had no desire to relive it again. That’s not to say I will never forget and will always remember. This year Chris asked what happened on 9/11 and I did spend s
ome time showing him some footage of what the bad guys did. He’s been having bb gun target practice on Osamba bin Ladens face, but he doesn’t know much past that.
Right now I feel like I need a church. There are so many in this small area it’s hard to choose. I’m not catholic, I was married in the Church of England beliefs, and I was baptised lutheran. I need normal people to talk too, make church friends with. Some things I need justification from and maybe god is the only one who can help me figure that out. I feel like my anger is turning into vengeance towards the stupid witch who caused all this. No, i’m not going to stalk, not goin to murder, or beat the hell out of, even though she deserves it, I want people to know what she said and did to me, and it’s not fair. At the time I was the last person you ever tell you don’t care about. If you tell me that, you lose all respect from me.
Have I said yet it’s time for a vacation? I want to go to Atlantis in the Bahamas. I just need out. My mom called me yesterday talking about the new Disney Dream ship. I was like, duh mom, didn’t we just get done talking about this not that long ago. When we go on our next Disney cruise it will be on tehe Dream!! Rule #1: Must have balcony and Rule #2 Must be able to cater to my diet. That’s it, and it’s simple, but costly. oh well, it’s worth it. I just got to make sure all of my business is taken care of here before I go book anything. Geez, that’s like almost $7,000 out of pocket. We don’t use credit, cash only. Mercy Memorial can kiss my royal ass, because before they get paid, I’m taking a vacation. By the way, as warned, don’t go there…. ever.
Til next time, with hopefully a better message!
