You know over the last couple days, I've come to regret more and more my live stream – not the actual live stream because it's true, when I am alone, and I am scared that I am in danger, that I can count on at least one friend to do what's right. That part of my stream was about me and my health, not about any argument we had leading up to it. It's the confusing story I couldn't at all articulate that went with it. It is true that during the course of an argument I was accidentally electrocuted which felt like what it looks like to have paddles to the heart in a movie or on t.v. and I let out a blood curdling scream and fell to the floor and was out for 2 hours and Jason did runaway and I hadn't seen til the next day. He never looked back to see what happened. I should have kept that part to myself. It goes to show though, that no relationship is absolutely perfect. It makes me ill to see anyone that posts continuously giddy posts about their boyfriend/husband because as I've learned in my 14-15 year history on the same Facebook account, it's always a fake front.
When I posted on January 2nd, 2015 a photo of what my ex-husband had done to me, if it had not been for my friends on Facebook finding a local connection I had who lived down the street, I don't know what would have transpired. I was not heard from again because he was hitting me, then ran. Anyone can scroll back into my timeline to that date and see, I think unless I made it private. I had about 15 people call the local county sheriff's and he was arrested, deserving every bit of it. It was that day that shocked everyone because I also was that person who had the fake Facebook front. Nobody thought my ex was capable. He was too sweet and nice – the fake front he put on. At that point my life had been hell for 5 years, which is why I was always flying or driving back "home" after my mom died, to stay away from him. My friends actually caught onto the things he did to me before I did.
The difference is that wasn't my goal this time. I was alone and had barely made it to bed and barely made a coherent long post to go with it. I just wanted someone to notice or listen for any signs of distress or the alarm on my pulse ox meter going off too long. At one point, it was alarming that my oxygen was 49% and my heart rate was in the 30's but I couldn't even pick up my head to look. That alarm lasted 30 minutes at least (after reviewing the video) but it happened over an hour after I had started the recording. Most of the footage was black because my phone had fallen down and so it appeared black for a long time and looked as if it was corrupted for a long time but the alarm could still be heard.
It's because not only am I dealing with respiratory issues, we threw in a cardiac issue at the same time. I had an arrhythmia happening, I could also feel skipping beats and I was too confused to find my husband's cpap machine which had helped me during the day until I thought I didn't need it anymore. Still though, at that point, I couldn't go to the hospital because DCF would snatch Ava back and give her to her horrible father because nobody "known" was on hand to take her. I have refused medical care so much because I never want to put her in a situation where Ava would end up back with those vile people.
But anyhow, we all have issues – nobody can say they don't. It's a specific issue where I feel that one half of the family supports the progression of family and desire for child and the other half I "feel" does not. When you get married, usually lots ask so when does baby come? After all, he is 4 years younger than me. I mean, these feelings haven't stopped us and it will happen, but it's taking forever and I guess that is the reason for most arguments we have, nothing more major than that. We argue over family a little. Otherwise, we have nothing considered major and we both hold fault. I consider myself a realist, so I accidentally revealed we have an issue, I feel the need to clarify what is real before people make up their own conclusions… since i've had so many message me to make sure things are alright.
Thank you to those that follow along with my shenanigans for about 15 years and have been there every step of the way. You guys know my life's up's and downs. I can guarantee at this point in my life i'm at 75% of my best and my goal is 125%, exceeding who I had ever been. A slow progression but I will get there. Goals to become who I was, and goals to make sure I can always be independent and then some.
Originally posted on Facebook on May 16, 2020.
