I remembered yesterday that I had my phone recording audio when I took Julie to the hospital with me after my unexpected phone call about my mom needing hospice. I record everything, especially with docs and hospitals, because of past events. I have 30 minutes of audio, and my mind forgot about 25 minutes existed, but my mom was very awake for this conversation, and I also have the doctor telling me what was going on. My mom kept saying she wants to go home to see her babies and her kids and she loves us all. She did not want to go to a hospice facility which is where this woman wanted her to go. Apparently she had a "terrible" bed sore that made her sick, so now I have even more questions. The only haunting part is my mom kept repeating she's not convinced it's over. You can hear the denial. I'm glad I was recording this, I'm glad I have video recordings of my kids happily watching youtube with grandma in the hospital last week and her enjoying it. I only made it 10 minutes into the audio before I broke down, I shouldn't have listened to it yet. My sister isn't ready to listen to it, but it is nice to hear "i love you all" in it. When your mom lives with you, everything around you has memories attached and it sucks for me. My mom cursed my couch because she couldn't get off of it so hopefully it's gone soon and a new one will replace it. I've had Matt get rid of food items in the pantry from things she last cooked because it's even too hard to walk into my kitchen. My mom was famous for overheating tomato sauce laced food in the microwave so my microwave still has exploded particles of tomato sauce on the inside. Today a letter arrived in the mail that Rachel wrote for her early last week and didn't make it in time. We put that on the wall underneath the neighbor kids' card. It's tough, especially when you are not prepared. If my mom has any family or friends out there that still care about her, a card would be nice to add to my wall. I know she alienated a lot of people, but she still thought about everyone. My address is 922 Clear Creek Circle, Clermont, FL 34714.
Originally posted on Facebook on February 5, 2014.
