It's been quite a ride this week.

I end my week feeling pretty good.  It was a productive week, but a lazy week at the same time.  Chris & Andrew had the week off from busy baseball so I found myself pretty bored with myself.  I did accomplish a few things this week and made it to a couple appointments.  My calendar has had this much time off in a long time.  A lot of my time off is because I quit, let my health depend on that thing called faith that it will just magically fix itself.  I mean really, the docs aren’t doing anything except draining me of my spending money.  Some of the medicines I take cost more than some people’s vehicles per month.  I feel ok, maybe slightly better but it could be a psychological thing who knows.  One thing I can say is the insomnia is getting better.  Well, it is in a sense that I’m getting tired now at night but I can get really tired and still not go to bed because I’m so used to staying up I fight it now.  I won’t be doing that tonight, I’m pretty darn tired.
I would love to go just a week without being misunderstood.  I don’t like it when people assume things about me and it just isn’t true.  I mean really, my life is about as simple as it gets (well, if you don’t include the health issues!).  It is really pathetic and scripted.  I wake up at 8a.m. on the weekdays, feed the kids breakfast, then I change diapers, get them dressed, etc.  Then I spend an hour cleaning and straightening up. I then come in the living room, turn on the movie Ice Age 2, Tangled, Bolt or Toy Story 3, sometimes PBS or Nick, sit my butt down in the corner of my couch, turn on all of my gadgets, answer emails, shop, post a blog or a facebook post and just wander the net for an hour while the girls watch t.v.  Sometimes we have to throw a phone call in there or two from Julie or random folks.  Typically by time I’m done with my morning routine lunch time arrives. I feed the girls (boys are on their own!), clean up the disaster that just went through the living room since the last cleaning, put them down for a nap, and then I finally get like 2 hours to myself in the afternoon.  I try to clean some more, but mostly this is the time for me to write, research and do whatever I need to do. I also use this time to pay bills, sometimes take a nap.  The afternoon is spent battling with my boys, trying to figure out dinner, more battling with the boys, fighting the girls to please take a nap, and whatever else.  It’s summer time so I really don’t get a minute to myself during the day because I constantly have action going on around me.  I’m just so tired of chaos that it’s getting beyond tolerable. I have a hard time getting anything done anymore.  Again, last night I told myself, yep, gonna do the grocery list.  Not one item listed yet, 24 hours later.  I decided yesterday that maybe today I’d finally get that tattoo i’ve been talking about that represents my kids.  Well, naturally I’m not going to walk in there and get some generic design out of a book, so I go on a mission to design my own.  12 hours later, I don’t have one line drawn.  I’m tooooo picky.  I’ve spent all afternoon just looking for the perfect looking heart for the names, but not one.  If it takes me weeks to make a grocery list I should just set myself a goal of months for a dang tattoo.  If I get the proper peace and quiet time, sometimes I can do a project fairly quickly but not lately. .
So anyway, life don’t get that much more complicated than that. I have no time to spend to worry about little things going on, no time to worry like crazy.  I’m surrounded by unfinished projects that I worry about more than what is for dinner.  It isn’t just one person that assumes things about me, I get it from all angles from everyone. What is it about me that makes people do this?  Am I really obvious or something?  It’s starting to piss me off.  I’m suddenly going to become unavailable to everyone around me if people don’t knock it off.  When I say everyone, I really mean everyone.  My family, my friends, everyone ultimately assumes something they shouldn’t and I hate it.  If someone assumes something and I pick up on it and I have to call you out on it, then it affects me in some capacity.
I think 3 times today alone Matt has had something to say to me to make me angry.  I’m so beyond tired of it.  It’s just crap he knows not to say to me, but continues too.  Things I am sensitive too right now, something you wouldn’t dare say to someone else.  On top of that, nobody remembers anything about me.  We’ve been married for like 12 years, known each other 13 years and he probably couldn’t even tell me what my favorite color is or what I order from a restaurant we are familiar with that the restaurant themselves even remember what I get.  I get lied too on a daily basis from absolutely every member of my family so I don’t trust anybody.  I’m the only person with any morals in my family, and god knows how I managed to live my life on those.  Heck I sometimes think that a person like me should have normally off’ed themselves years ago but somehow I managed to stick around and hang on through all of this.  I figure some day maybe i’ll get rewarded for all the shit I go through.  I just hope that my kids pick up on my goodness and stay that way and not pick up the negativity and idiotness from my family. I have absolutely no life and I just go through life on a daily basis hoping that I can get a few good moments out of it.
This week I had a few good life moments, not nearly enough but whatever.  I just hope those few moments I had weren’t just because I wanted them because certainly I can spare myself from feeling guilty if it’s based solely on  me.  I don’t think so though, I’d like to think it’s not just me, that would be selfish and conceited and that is out-of-character for me.  I like to make everyone happy because that’s what I try to do best.  It’s not about making me happy, because that’s not hard to do.  A few moments makes me happy.  It’s me making everyone else happy that seems to be hard.  No amount of writing though ever brings out answers for me, in fact, usually ends with me feeling stupid or feeling bad for writing in the first place.  Sometimes I guess I just need to shut the hell up.