My dad had a stroke.

Published on: Oct 12, 2007 @ 19:57 – 
I guess i’m going to sound selfish, but I really am sick and soooooooooo tired literally.  I have a huge fever that is giving me chills and I am weak.  I can’t take it anymore.  I’ve gone 9 months almost without a throat incident and it seems as this one has creeped up on me.  My nose is blocked up really bad so I can’t breathe and i’m constantly sticking my vicks inhaler all the way up in my nose.  I bought this one in England and it is more powerful than ones you buy here.  I also have a little bit of pseudoephedrine left that we bought from a stash at a pharmacy over there.  It isn’t helping that much right now.  I can taste blood in my mouth from my white oozing tonsils.
I’m so glad the weekend is here, I don’t have to watch my kids. I can sleep and rest it off and hope that I will be back to normal by Monday (yeah right).
So great…. Paul just called me and gave me a garbled message that my dad is in the hospital and is very ill.  I have no idea what to make of it.  The last time I was told he was very ill he was just in for a migraine.  I’m waiting for more information before I proceed.  Of course I am very concerned for my dad, but in the back of my mind I can’t help but think of why he’s there in the 1st place.  Lifestyle is most likely the answer.  I’m sorry but drugs and alcohol do that to you.  I can’t feel bad, i’ve told everyone he has a problem but he lies to everyone so nobody can help him.  I want him to get help, and hopefully whatever has happened this time will convince him that it’s time to change, if it isn’t too late.  I love him of course, and want him in my life, and in my kids’ lives, but until something changes, I just can’t.
So what’s next, I have no idea.  I don’t know how feasible it is for me to go see him… do they really want someone with a group-a strep infection standing next to someone ill already?  I have no idea.  But if I don’t go, I will be scrutinized and pictured to be this horrible person, which I am not.  Then again, here’s the unfortunate selfish side of me coming out, I ask, look how much time I spent in the hospital  last year due to this very problem i’m having now and where was my father for me?  I don’t think I could do that to him though, that is not my nature.  Granted my problems were never quite life-threatening, they were indeed painful traumatic experiences for me.  Is this a problem bad enough to get my grandparents to come up from New Mexico?  I still don’t know…
Just waiting……………..I have too many questions to yet be answered.