Well today was boring… not much went on. I woke up this morning to find chris laying backwards in my bed. I woke him up and asked him if he wanted to get under the covers and onto a pillow and he said yes. The minute he woke up he grabbed his mouth and I told him to run to the bathroom. He made it thankfully and puked his guts out. I felt so bad for him. He came back upstairs and layed with me under the covers.
I really really enjoy the moments when him and I are really close. When he snuggles up to me, and it makes me feel like a mom. Those moments when i’m not yelling or screaming at the top of my lungs and threatening punishments 24/7 feel really good. It makes it worth it. When Chris was a baby he didn’t do normal baby things. He never cried, always slept, and always ate good. He also never cried to have his diaper changed no matter how dirty it was. He just wasn’t a normal baby. He never fell asleep in my arms or anything. That is why I love the moments when he comes to me and snuggles these days. Andrew on the other hand is a very normal cranky baby. He always comes to me and lays on my shoulder and falls asleep. He makes me feel wanted as a mom, and I enjoy that too. There’s nothing like having a baby that won’t fall asleep in your arms. I’m glad Andrew does that. We just have to work on his crankiness level and drop it down a few notches.
I made dinner tonight of course. I made homemade pepperoni rolls. Of course I can’t eat them so i’m left with nothing as usual. I can’t deprive my family because I have to involuntarily starve myself. I don’t know what it is… but things I want to eat but can’t, I always make them for my family. I guess it’s because I want to see it and smell it or something. I make loaves of bread.. nice italian bread that I don’t keep in the house, I give away. I make some good bread, and it’s a good thing that I physically can’t eat it because I’d probably eat the whole thing if it were a year ago.
My one year bandiversary is coming up on Saturday. I somewhat feel like a failure because I haven’t met my personal goal of 100lbs down since surgery. However, on another hand I feel as though I have been as successful if not more than others who get the band. I have lost 75lbs to date since surgery & 95lbs from Feb. 2005. I too frequently see people that give in, get weak, and can’t do it, even with the help. I however, have tried my hardest. I didn’t suffer in agony for months in the beginning to come out a “figurative” loser…. only a “literal” loser. What I went through was beyond torture. Can you imagine not being able to eat anything for almost 3 months? Surviving on IV fluids? Sure, I had the least invasive procedure, but my stomach swelled as a reaction to a new silicone implant. It was horrible. That left a scar on me that I will never lose. I’m fighting all this with a vengeance though. I’m more determined than ever. I keep telling myself that perhaps I didn’t get to my personal goal because I was 3 months behind everyone else recovery wise.
Ah well……things can only get better!
