Here's a post to read through, i'll also post on jensnotes.com. So, nobody generally remembers my birthday, while easy to remember even my best friends in life can't remember the exact date, however, my character, I just laugh about it now. I don't generally whine on Facebook, I am not an attention seeker. I've been through some horrific moments I totally wish I had the courage to share publicly since January. Most saw the downfall of my 15 year marriage live as it happened and a lot of people saved me by calling the local authorities in Florida to help me, and I'm forever thankful for that. I don't judge people, I can't. No right.
Though most everyone knows how I was treated growing up by kin and fellow schoolmates. I don't judge anybody by what they did in high school, ever. Except like the same 3 people I was reminded of this morning that will never grow up. If you are on my friends list I feel that you have grown up and not the immature little punks you were in HS. LOL. I hold no grudges. I'm all heart. I'm all soul. I've suffered the worst tragedies from pulling my dad's life, to watching my grandmother starve to death, seeing my neighbor stabbed to death, knowing someone who shot themselves in the head and the worst Kerry McKenzie succumbing to an abusive Dr. Constantino in Southgate over-prescribing narcs that killed her when just 2 days prior I called her out on it, and went to the morgue to I could prove that the lie being told about her death was not true… to other such horrible death experiences I've witnessed. I've seen other friends die the same way.
When my mom died tragically in front of my best friend and her son on their Disney vacation over a whole 3 days in 2014 suddenly, and my kids, and feeling so alone knowing nobody but Julie cared was my savior.
There is nobody on my friends list that I wouldn't give my soul to defend for if they needed it. I've suffered more tragedy than most can imagine a human in 5 lifetimes. It's not fair. My own doctor told me that any other of his patients would have long offed themselves. I still continue to stand and walk tall. In June, my second ICU visit, I knew life was over. Either the injuries that my own son did to me would end me (never resolved from my near death septic shock in March caused from his beating in Detroit in Feb), or the fact that I had nobody, not a single person to save me from a street corner on discharge from wanting to run into traffic and end the pain of my children being gone, my ex plotting to destroy my goodness for a catfish in Hong Kong) and I can't even name his name. He is also my savior. He means the world to me. He does. The only person who drove a long way, gave me my first set of flowers and cringed as every drug was intravenously given to me. I can't ever thank him enough because it will never mean enough. I'm a ghost. He's a ghost. He's my friend here in FL. It hurts me.
However, the point of my post is this — I come back to my home state for resolve, for bonding, for healing, for a sense of being "home". It hurts me so bad when everybody ignores me after I spend so much time and money to do this, and I leave because the very people i'd give anything too, just can't make an hour of their lives available for me. I'd be anybody's shoulder to cry on, legitimately. I have nobody. Not a soul. My best friend is in her happiest spot now after so long of me praying she would find it after years of bad marriages that I can't dare infringe with what I've now suffered with. I'm the reverse. I've lived my life. I've had my children. My long marriage devastatingly ended. My son abuses me and my children. So has my ex, but we all have moments, but not like my son. I have nothing right now. I came here risking my freedom for just some moments that could be my last with friends, one of the most horrible longest tragic road trips I've ever been through notably which is weird, but I made it after 28 hours or so, which should have been 15. I need a support system. I don't have one in FL. I have nobody. I fear i'm not going to win this final battle with life unless a miracle happens. My health is horrible, I have brain damage, I absorb no nutrients and it's slowly killing me and I can't find a person or doctor that understands why. The government is destroying my motherhood. My kid beat the shit out of me and I didn't prosecute him, but I smack him, and my world ends. My dog is being held hostage. My vehicle was stolen. My parents are dead, What aunts and uncles I do have are pretty deplorable characters given what they did to their own family.
My sister is an inexplicable spoiled rotten worthless bitch because I cared about how much she liked the wedding photography I did for her, and because she would not be with me for my moms death, whom she was closer too. I never had a hug from mom, never a kiss. That bitch got it daily. I lived my parents last moments, I chose their outcomes. How I still walk tall, is miraculous enough. I love my family they are all I have. When I say that, that means my kids and Julie as well as her family except her half sister. The only card I've ever received since childhood was Julie's mom's card when my mom died and it was gold to me.
I came to MI, to celebrate what could be my last birthday early because I don't know how much time I have depending on either health or the FL legal system. I'm scared to death. All I wanted was just one last good time. But again, I'm going to spend sweetest day with my sweetest, Julie. That friend they think your lesbians lol. I'm so thankful. I don't know what my future holds. I've only dreamt of happiness. I don't cause my own problem. I'm praying to god that this is the final domino to fall in my life and that I can rebuild. I love my children. I love my son Chris despite that he killed part of me and almost ended my life. I don't know how to forgive. I just want to hear his voice and tell him i'm sorry for not having a father figure more than myself really. I do everything with my children. I'm that cool mom on the block but i'm also that mom that maintains 80% mom 20% friend just so I know that they can come tell me anything.
I'm so happy here in Michigan, but where are the people I wish I had. Everyone knows who they are. And i'm suffering. I apologize for my rare long rant. I do maintain my blog, but because of the damage done to my brain, it's hard for me to write anymore. I try to keep my blog updated, but if I can't remember, I won't write because the details matter. I just want those who I call a friend to know that I am always a friend. I will help you, regardless if i've ever been helped by you. That is my soul. <3
I've lived an exemplary life for a reason, to teach my kids by example. My kid destroyed me. The state of Florida turned me into a monster because of an a ruthless husband who would rather destroy my good name than just ask for a divorce I already wanted.
Please my wish for my 36th year of life coming soon is a ray of sunshine and a hope for a future of no tragedy. No more tragedy.
To those around when my baby girl was conceived accidentally 1 month after gastric bypass and having to have a grapefruit size mass removed next to her head at 20 weeks pregnant, then she survived what would have been SIDS at 18mo old – I can't even see my little rock star Ava, the one I almost died to have. It's killing me. They beg for me. They aren't taken care of, their hair don't get brushed. Their bus stop is 20 feet from me, and I have to keep my shades closed because I could go to jail if they see me.
My 3 other children love me to death I know it. They have told me. I've never been a monster. I'm a mother. I'm tired of the corruption destroying me in FL. Something else happened recently where my caseworker just quit and apparently destroyed my file, and essentially DCF filed a doc with the state that says I've done nothing to comply to have my children. They openly falsified a document that could end me. I'm scared to death. I have an awesome new caseworker, she has some proof that this document is false. I want to desperately fight this state to pay for the damage they have done to me, and to my children whom my ex gave to foster care out of selfishness. I had to vent, i'm here at home, in MI, and nobody to talk too. Do I have hope right now, yes, temporarily. You know who you are and who isn't. It's not in Michigan. My best friend is here and that is now my only connection.
Only one person has admitted seeing the start of my tragedy in it's entirety. To understand how this all began, the whole thing has to be watched. To understand the damage done to me, my children, my friend, her son potentially. How alone I was, and how I had to deal with nobody helping me, and a mom who didn't believe it was over. The last moments. All documented. ~J. I'm sorry.
View the shared link on youtube.com
Originally posted on Facebook on October 15, 2016.
