Writing helps me so even if I post and I'm talking to myself, it helps me, so I'm sorry if my depressing posts fill your feeds, but I do what I need to do, where I can be at least "heard". I haven't wrote on my blog much since few actually read it, so I vent here.
Anyhow, I want to thank everyone for the prayers or even if you just thought about me this weekend. I have a lot of messages I have to reply to, and I know I am slow to respond, and I have a million things to figure out, like what the hell to do financially because she had no insurance, so I promise I will get back with everyone as soon as I can focus. How do I not feel so alone now? When Julie leaves it will be as if I never had anyone, as if my house is empty. My long nights awake will haunt me. I just don't know what to do.
I found out a little while ago that my son Christopher Flavell broke down really badly and the hospice nurse stayed around a long time just to comfort him. I mourn so badly. I never left my bed most of the day. I didn't want to see my mother dead so I shut myself away. I wanted my last memories of her to be of when she was alive. I had no idea Chris hurt so badly, he needed me. I had to leave my husband to decide what the smart choices would be with my mom and not to let my brother and his morbidity persuade anything. I just couldn't do it. I'm a weak minded person after repeated events that have brought me from being as tough as a rock to a pile of mush since 2008.
I regret going to bed yesterday. They told me that she wasn't going anywhere that night, otherwise I would not have been to bed. I went so far as to put a infrared camera in her room and wired it to my television so I could just wait for a sign of her waking up, but I got ill feeling and had to lay down. I never thought my brother would barge in at 8:16a.m. and tell me she's gone, and didn't even give me time to sit with her before hand. All I wanted her to do was to wake up just once and tell me it's ok. I'm not at peace and I find myself calling out to her asking for just something to tell me she's ok and everything will be alright.
Originally posted on Facebook on February 3, 2014.
