My mom's bedroom is filled with hospice stuff. I found the very few most important and only items she brought to Florida with her and made a collage of some of our favorite things to put next to her bed. The animals that miss her so much complete the room. Sorrow is only the beginning for me. I will never recover from PTSD until I've gone years without traumatic events happening….and all I can say now is why God? Why make me suffer over and over again so that I can never be at peace with myself…and nd how long before another event. I have never told my mom I love her and haven't had a hug since I was a child and I'm incapable and don't know how. I can do it to my kids…but I do that excessively because I never got that growing up. I'm all alone in my little insomniac world where ADHD has overrun and taken control of me… The "H, part signifying my overactive brain that allows 1000 haunting memories and ideas to control me. Even on max doses of AdderralI I'm only finding slight relief and I certainly don't get speedy or motivated like some do. I'm just a mush brain. I haven't been to bed in 4 days and really…3 of those had nothing to do with my mom. How long before I go to bed again. I fear sleep because those thoughts will race uncontrollably and so therefore I do not go to bed. Obviously I see a professional but it only helps some. I'm just waiting for my mom now. The really sad part…my mom's twin brother don't care…how cruel is that. I'm glad she has the few family members that care around her. She will love that everyone will be here together despite our more than obvious dislikes with each other.???
Originally posted on Facebook on February 1, 2014.
