The Cluttered Mind
Published on: Jan 6, 2015 @ 23:03
Normally i’d be all John Nash from “A Beautiful Mind” but today it’s the cluttered mind, lol.
Anymore, there is just no such thing as the word “impossible” in my life. For reals. Like the life-questioning movie “Interstellar”, I may as well change my last name to Murphy too. Murphy’s law applies to me – thankfully it hasn’t killed me yet, but hell, I won’t even go there because then it will happen… lol. Some higher power loves to test me. The higher powers know what I am best at is being challenged and solving problems – in every aspect of life. So, I get thrown some of THE worst challenges to deal with personally, professionally, and with other people. I like challenge, maybe not so much all at the same time, but I love it actually. That is what empowers me. I am empowered knowing that I take challenges head on, and I never stop until i’m done or at peace. Of course, everyone also knows that about me. Anyone can give me a task — and trust me when I say people purposely do this to me too, just to annoy me, and they know that it will bug the shit out of me until it’s finished.
For instance today… i’m ignoring the life drama i’ve been through. I’m focused on being me and my kids future. I’m focused on finishing one task at a time. At any given time i’ve seriously got about 30 different projects going on. I try to multitask by having 200 windows open on my laptop screen and I switch between them all day long, but I get nothing finished like that. That pattern has to change, now.
See in my brain, I picture a task as a pyramid. The top of the pyramid is a single finished result. But my pyramid is seriously fucked up. To get to the top of my pyramid of glory in a finished project, first we have to get through a complex maze of thoughts, with some thoughts that don’t lead to an end. I’m going to illustrate this thought when i’m done writing. Just like this last sentence, I just added another task to my to do list. I get one thing — not even done yet because i’m not done writing — and bam, i’m already trying to illustrate this idea afterwards. I didn’t start this paragraph knowing I was going to do that. But doing an illustration in the end is NOT a pathway to a finished project. This writing i’m doing write now is one pathway that also does not lead to the top of my project pyramid, it just pushes me off to the side on a dead end.
Ultimately i’m working on another of my .com’s. Everything is in place to design, it’s for my business (one of a couple I have here in FL). I should be laying out the design and mapping out what I want and flow charting. Well, I see a feature I want to implement. It’s a piece of code. In this code there is an aggravation for me. This aggravation now requires me to learn more java development. So now I have installed the java development kid and all that jazz, and the android development kit, again, just so that I can learn more aspects of java development, just for a script that’s like 10 lines of code. This pathway will lead to the top of my pyramid, but it’s a huge distracting path that zig zags and ultimately delays getting to the end. I’m an obsessed learner. I’m not waiting to learn something. If you want me to repair a damn automobile i’m probably the best chick for the job because I will set out to become an expert at whatever I need to fix in a matter of a short period of time.
Back to my point, a single script, about 1/25,000th of a project, lol, causes me to whip out the books and learn something completely new. I can’t help it. Why do I do this and why is my desire to get something done a very forcefully driven aspect of my life? Everything I know is self-taught. Not a lot of people got that ability. I was never taught how to write either. I help my son with algebra and am a fraction pro and I failed that miserably in school.
Anyway (just as flip floppy as this writing is like my brain) back to my point… I tell myself I have to write this shit down while it’s valid. So many people wonder how I think and how I do what I do, and how I handle it all and I have no idea. Ultimately on projects, when I do reach the top after all the distractions, it’s perfection. Sometimes though, the distractions are too much and I burn out before I finish. Then it’s not perfection.
How do I organize my thoughts. Yes I take medicine to help control this. Unfortunately some friends have seen the effects of me not being on medicine at times and i’m the dumbest idiot on the planet because I get so scatterbrained. When i’m semi-controlled – I’m smart. That’s where I am now. If I could only be in total control.
Illustration coming soon, lol. After I learn some more java development 🙂 Gotta fix this script or it’ll kill me mentally all night!
I’m so much fun. Geek central! I really do need the distraction right now though!
