Stressed but still happy :)
As I sit back and take the time to think about the events of the last 6 months all I can do is just think about how happily my family is. We’ll get through it I say. I’ve suffered no true battle damage emotionally and despite having 2 babies I have fought off postpartum depression. I’d wouldn’t trade the anxiety for it any day. Anxiety thankfully is a lot easier to deal with than depression and I’m thankful I don’t suffer from that. Am I allowed to be sad without being depressed? I think it’s possible. I mean, I have every reason to be sad on occasion, I mean come on, my mom has cancer and my grandma just died. I’ve been through the worst 2 years of my life and losing a lot of weight, 320 down to 158 (i think) even though I spent the first year of my gastric bypass mostly pregnant, I think i’ve done a good job maintaining my sanity. I mean really, those first few months of the pregnancy where I was convinced I was going to lose my baby and maybe even myself to cancer were horrific.
I’m thinking about taking that first drink though. I can’t even say when the last time I’ve had a drink, i’ve been pregnant since at least 2008 with only a short interval between that and my last kid. I had some nyquil on a few occasions and I think that has alcohol in it? I don’t like alcohol, but I get very little rest these days and it feels like I need something at night. We have an extremely old dusty bottle of something that looks white from back in the day that has moved with us like 3 times so i’ll have to look and see what it is. My luck and i’ll take teaspoon and I won’t even be able to enjoy it, i’ll just fall asleep. The docs accidentally gave me Ativan instead of Xanax and though I don’t take it daily, I have to make sure I wait til a day when I haven’t taken it. Ativan makes me wonky so I don’t take it often. I called the docs when I discovered after collapsing taking it and they wanted me to drive 40 minutes to trade it in, I said nevermind i’ll just keep it til my next appointment Aug. 18th. The only time I get Ativan is when I fly because I hate flying (funny because Matt’s a pilot). I’m just going to toss the stuff when I get my old script back. I don’t know why the mistake was made in the first place and my practitioner is on vacation for the next few weeks so they can’t change anything really until she comes back. I’m 10 months post-partum and I’ve been on meds for 7 of them so my goal is October when Ava turns one to hopefully be done with this whole anxiety thing or try to work past it, but it feels like it’s starting to become an issue outside of postpartum stuff because I think it’s just all the events of the last 2 1/2 years starting to scare me and make me fear the future. I get sudden panics that knock me out if I’m not careful because of fear.
Ok well it’s Friday and I’m sure i’ll be up all night long due to lack of sleeping ability. If anything is going to send me over the edge its not sleeping. I’m ok for now though 🙂
My rear still hurts really bad but it is getting a lot better. As long as I’m not in the same position too long it’s ok, but sometimes I want to just sit and watch t.v. and even using the boppy pillow to sit on it hurts so I often find myself on my side curled up in the fetal position watching t.v.
I can’t wait for the kids to start school, let’s just say that. We are working on a new schedule and it’s failing miserably. Caitlyn at not even 2 1/2 yet can count to 10 which is amazing. PBS helps a lot but I sing to her songs often too.
I’m still loving the new house and the quietness of our street. I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about random people coming near the house all the time, due to what I’m going through with Mr. Moose but we ironically get people here 2 times a week asking for the man who lived here before because he had an auto painting business out of the house or something. Ah well, at least I don’t have semi-trucks flying down the street and constant noise. Now I just have to worry about lil ones escaping at night (my biggest fear, unjustified though) and going to the creek or getting lost in the woods!!
This really bites that my butt hurts. I want to get out more and do stuff but it hurts too long. I mean, it is a drastic improvement since a month ago, but i’m still uncomfortable. I have Joey’s birthday part to go too tomorrow and I get to sit on wood furniture, exciting! I think I’m going to take my cushion with me.
