Nothing is more strange than…
Published on: Oct 16, 2014 @ 11:41 –
Nothing is more strange than me saying I don’t think it’s possible for me to write about my summer. I’ve already started to forget things. I’m going to lose the memories of one my best summers ever because I didn’t take time to write them all out. I did so much it’s all a big blur. I don’t have every trip documented in photos, my camera was just too much at times to lug around. I befriended some good people, de-friended others… which isn’t my norm. The mere fact that I opened up and allowed anyone else in my life is a miracle that is unexplainable. I live in a closed off world. I figure the more people I know, the worse the chances are for losing those people like I’ve lost all the others. I figure people just use me for how nice I am. People take advantage of me because they know I’m willing to do anything for anyone. Naturally my faith in humanity has been lost a little as has the trust in other people. I need a really long time, free from tragedy and betrayal, just to be normal, I think. The sole human on this planet I trust, I don’t want to talk too.
The hardest part about being me is asking people to understand me and know me before they accept me. Leaves less to surprised about later. It’s not a difficult task, I don’t hide. New people in my life cannot differentiate the difference between a human behind some binary code who only uses social media as a frustration outlet generally and a real person. I do not walk around the face of the earth pissed off. That is not me. But online, right now, some might see me as that. Well, it’s a good thing they weren’t around when I was sad. When you post happy stuff nobody cares, lol. I’m a realist. Nobody wants to see pics of my kids. Maybe when they are first born and maybe once a year but I learned early on… nobody truly wants to see you post 10,000 pics of your kids. As a photographer, I know at least that much, ha ha.
I don’t ask for too much attention, I just tend to ask for opinions. I don’t have anybody else to talk too generally so I use social media too much. There are very few of my acquaintances that I would say you could see them as a whole human on Facebook. You see one side, on occasion sometimes you see real people. People genuinely are shocked I am who I say I am. I try to portray myself generally as I am. I never take it over the top happy, over the top sad, I am who I am. I write how I think and feel. People know however, that when I post something awful, it’s gotta be awful for me. When I post shock & awe, like my son voluntarily coming out and doing dishes without being told, they can feel my genuine shock and awe, ha ha.
Then some days I have are like yesterday. I got caught up on my own YouTube feed and decided to watch some videos I made. I then suddenly realized how empty my world is. How my family doesn’t exist anymore. How everyone just disappeared. How it seemed like I lost everyone all at once. I cried my eyes out. That doesn’t happen often but I was alone and I looked across my living room and remembered my dog Jack died. I’m so used to him being there, after all, he was my 100lb lap dog Golden Retriever. I never cried enough over that. My other dog is so lonely it’s saddening to look at. He’s only 3 years old. My kids have no family, no grandparents, no aunts, no uncles, nothing. How do I as a mother compensate for that loss. I don’t know what it’s like to grow up with nobody.
Needless to say I had a long day yesterday of pondering and thinking. It often will get the best of me, and then I disappear off the face of the planet for a while. When you disappear and nobody asks where you are and what’s happening, you know that nothing truly exists.
