To Preface A Book…
If I were to do what I should do someday, write a book, the preface would be just as this:
~*Preface*~
In the beginning, god created the heavens and the earth and the earth was without form and void. Then Jen was born on October 24, 1980 and all hell broke loose. What I knew as my hell would eventually turn into my heaven, but it was only through the first 1/3 of of my life that I can attribute to this preface even being written at this moment. Life’s journey’s, or what I typically call “several lifetimes of journey’s that no person should ever endure” have only led me to understand how to relate to almost every human’s trials and tribulations with care and love. Today I only have a desire to give thanks to growing up never receiving. It felt bad as a kid, but as an adult I grew to love the act of giving and sharing with others. You have to know what it feels like to achieve pleasure from giving without selfishness in order to do it and be genuine about it. I had to grow up like I did in order to understand it. It is a much different feeling than growing up with everything you need and hitting the lottery and becoming the philanthropist. I am a philanthropist at heart – but I don’t need a million dollars to do it. I give away my heart, my mind, and my soul to others — with the occasional side of a gift because I want too. Not because anybody asked me, not because I was told too, but out of my own heart. That is what defines a philanthropist. When you don’t have the money multi-millionaires have and you give what you have away, like I do, that is to me, the only “true” definition of a philanthropist. Bill Gates likely only gives because he just has so much money he can’t possibly spend it on himself and is compelled to give. Does it come from his heart? Well I don’t actually know Bill Gates personally and I only pirate his software so I haven’t contributed to his funds, but maybe it’s in his heart. Hard to say because did he give before he was rich? If he did then, yes, he’s a true philanthropist. Greed is not part of my persona. To be selfish is not part of my persona. For any one person to label me as such, is a shameful act. Those people only envy the heart I have. They are jealous of my ability to care and to love. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m fine with it.
God didn’t bestow upon me four children that all have speech and language problems, sensory disorders, and a mix of bad and good attitudes for no reason. He gave me these kids with some challenges so that I can learn and pass on what I know to someone else. Everyone who knows me personally knows that I am the true voice of common sense and reason. While my life is not absent of stupid mistakes, I do learn from the mistakes I regret. To call these mistakes “regrets” I can’t really even do because my life lessons would not be learned otherwise. Who else in this world can tell you with certainty, that “Yes, you dumb idiot, you can go to federal prison for opening that letter!”. Only I can. Really, more than me can share that tale, but I was given an opportunity to redeem myself from that mistake at 17 years old and it taught me many life lessons.
Family members, friends, acquaintances and relative strangers to me almost have been stolen to cancer, murder, suicide, heart attacks, stroke, and even the rare peaceful death in sleep. I have even had the horrible duty to make the life choice for my own father on whether or not to pull the plug of life on him. Did I make the right choice? Yes and No. I have had my own horrible battles with life and it’s strange accidents (some from stupidity) as well as nearly losing my youngest child (Ava) to SIDS. The one battle I hope to never face however, is the loss of a child. I came close enough, not even enough to taste, but enough to fear for others and understand the worry and concern, and the hopelessness you feel. I have made really dumb mistakes with my own babies to never judge another mother in my life. To this point in my life, it has all has made me the very strong willed, stand-up for what’s right, fighting woman I am today. Going through every challenge in my short 34 years of life, that probably most people could not say they’ve ever endured, has thankfully made me very wise at a young age. I don’t have to wait until i’m 80 years old to pass on what I know. I am my grandmother. My grandmother and grandfather are the ones I can give some credit too. They weren’t very good parents admittedly as they didn’t give a care in the world over their kids’ lives in general, but they were the best grandparents I could ever wish I had. I learned the art of story telling from my grandfather and his WWII stories. Who else has a grandfather that can say he pee’d in Hitler’s toilet in Germany? I owe my story telling ability to my grandfather. I owe my advice giving nature to my grandmother, who was always at the other end of the phone when I was wronged as a kid by my horrible step-father. My grandmother didn’t value her own kids or any other grandchild like she valued my kids. We had a special relationship. That relationship cost me my extended family, but only because of jealousy.
I have my own trials and tribulations with friendships as well. But those that know me in this very moment in time and have stuck near me and through the worst of times, near and far away, have a friend for life, whether you like it or not. Everyone knows who they already are. I may tend to force friendship when it’s least required, but there is always a good reason behind it. It may not show for years but it’s there.
A solid life of being held back is the reason i’m smart today. I took every moment of my adulthood super-absorbing information like a sponge. It benefits me in times when I attack a cause or need the knowledge, and it benefits others in how I can help them. My amazing learning ability has only increased about 500% since I got married. I can’t really explain how or why it happened, it just did. I call my eyes “the viewfinders for the world” because I see things as they are and perhaps what will be. This translates into my awesome gift of photography and creativity. I was blessed with the ability to write, and to this day, I don’t know how or why I even know how to do this. I had articles published in newspapers while I was in special education English never learning what a pronoun or an adverb is (still don’t know!). I write and punctuate how I think, feel, and speak. It’s a gift really, a special gift. I hope to share this gift with others in the future. The drive behind me only comes from all the failure i’ve witnessed in life. I never want to be seen as a failure. Many jealous people want to paint me as a failure just for being mostly a stay-at-home mother. I’m no ordinary mom though, most will attest too. I want to learn new things every day, I can’t possibly stop. Challenge me.
The world is full of hateful people. I am not one of them. I admit I am spiteful and bitter at some people who judge and criticize me, especially the ones who don’t even know the real me. They never took the time to get to know me. The worst case scenario is being pre-judged before even knowing me, and those who judged me solely on my looks. Unfortunately for me I had to deal with a whole clan of in-laws who saw nothing more than “looks” and that has driven them to decide I was no good. I could never be that hurtful, nor could I stick my nose up at someone like that. The world is no good with the rodents who do this to the world, including those that did it to me. Many people change, I have seen this miracle happen. However, I wasted a long time believing everyone would change, and some people just cannot do it. I have changed so much over the years, but in a positive way.
So I am who I am, and this is who I will be. You can’t ever stop me, you can’t ever hold me back, and I will reach the heavens someday, after I finish climbing the Mt. Everest of life. I promise, it will take at least 50 more years before I get to that peak of my mountain and call it quits. However, I’m not quitting ’til someone buys me a pair of headphones and even then I will enjoy them for the next 50 years. Then I will be buried with those same headphones on! (Had to end with a laugh… sorry!)
~Jen
