Just an apology…
I haven’t been the same person since Matt laid a hand on me for the first time in 2011. I never will be that person before 2011. Instead I’m me now, empowered, stronger and not afraid of shit. That is never going to change. I moved to Florida for some positive change. In reality, Florida has destroyed my life. I was taken away from my friends, my mom died here in my house, my cat died a month after we moved here, my dog died this past August, everyone else died in Michigan when I wasn’t there — all from unnatural causes.
I can’t excuse everything to who I married. He’s a whiny little baby — something I have never been. I’ve always been more than him. I left my friends at home though, and making new ones here in FL seems like a challenge. I feel like i’m forcing people to be my friend. They don’t deserve it. Nobody does. The worst friend in the world is a friend you’d drop everything to do something for and in return get told they’ll do something for you but it never happens. That’s how friendship goes for me. I’m too trusting. I put too much sad faith in humanity that there are decent people out there. Until recently i’ve never cared to get anything in return, a smile was the least anyone could do. Now I get absolutely nothing. I don’t deserve that. It’s not fair. Sure, the world isn’t a fair place but at some point in my life I think I deserve an ounce of fairness. What is so wrong with that?
The last 15 years of my life I spent waiting for change to happen in a multitude of simple ways and nobody cared to give me that effort. I’m not like that. If someone calls me out on something, you’re damn skippy i’m going to make an effort to fix that problem.
I’m tired of people feeling like they have an obligation or something to me. It’s not fair for me to go on believing this. The simplest things people or for that matter anyone on this planet could do for me go dishonored. I’m tired of feeling like i’m being selfish for befriending people. It’s not like I ask anything much from people. Dare I ask of something exponential in size, that would be newsworthy. I never ask for help, I never take from anyone. The smallest acts of kindness are the rewards I get for calling someone a “friend”. Something I’m starting to believe humanity is too shallow to even understand. It’s always me willing to take the bullet, it’s always me offering the help, the shoulder to cry on. Dare I open my mouth and request just something so minuscule……. I feel guilty forever. That is not how anything should be. I should not feel that way. But I do, and I know why.
That’s all really. Nothing else matters.
