There is nothing left to me as a human.
Published on: Oct 3, 2014 @ 20:21 –
What can I say anymore. When I stop writing, when I stop caring about photography, that says a lot. There isn’t much left of who I am at this point. I have lost almost everything that means everything to me. I don’t know where home is, I have no idea who my friends are anymore, and I doubt myself and that “honesty” path in life I chose to take more than ever. The image people have of me I’ve learned is quite clearly very distorted, and I’m not sure why. Ever since I moved to Florida I have lost everything I’ve ever valued to me, aside from my kids, and I’ve gained absolutely nothing except loneliness. Death is not fair. Death has killed me. To go through the last year and have lost my mother, my cat, my dog, family, and friends every 2 months at a very frequent pattern is unbelievable. To make it worse, to have nobody that cares, to listen, to talk too about it that is real and actually feels your pain is a sentence worse than death itself. I have no choice but to hold onto that pain. I can’t burden anybody with what it all feels like inside. It will show it’s ugly face at some point i’m sure, I’m already starting to crack. For even someone like me, it’s hard to put into words the absolute betrayal I’ve suffered from my sister and the one I labeled as my “best friend” for the last 15 years. They abandoned me when I needed them most, despite me being there for both of them in their hardest moments in life. I have nothing.
There isn’t anyone I’ve met in FL, who DOESN’T have some sort of motive behind talking to me. They always have a purpose i’ve learned. It’s never because of wanting to be my “friend”. It’s always something. When I find out that “something” it kills me. I’ve learned it doesn’t matter how nice you are, how helping and giving you are, how honest you are, there’s always someone there to stick a god damned dagger right through your back making sure they tear your heart out with your soul while it’s ripping through your body cavity. I would love for that opinion to change. Unfortunately, it’s turning me into someone that doesn’t even want to associate with other humans. The person I was who cared about everyone now doesn’t care about anything. When there is nobody there to appreciate what you do it’s very difficult to move forward. I may put a smile on my face as I move forward but behind that smile is a very cynical person. With that said, the moments of true enjoyment that I’ve been given, or gave to myself over the past few months I cherish. Those moments didn’t include my family, my kids, or my best friend. Those moments of joy have been given to me by nearly complete strangers & total strangers because I opened up and allowed myself to invite people back into my life, people who may have once not liked me at all. I am that friend everyone wants, but I’m also that friend that everyone takes advantage of, so I have been careful of choosing who I invite into my world. My “best friend” and my sister took advantage of my world and now they are no more.
… to be continued.
