Published on: Jan 8, 2015 @ 4:48 – 
It’s January 8th, 2015.  I don’t honestly believe I’ve ever had a year’s mission brought to my face to deal with in the first week of a new year. Generally, as much as my life has fricken sucked over the past few years, generally I get a good couple months into a year before something asinine happens to gut me of all my self-worth.  In 2014 I at least made it to Feb. 1st before it all went to hell when I had the bombshell dropped that my mom was going to die the next day without knowing it.  This year I made it to January 3rd.  
So I think this will be my most scatter-brained post ever because it’s like 4:30a.m. and I’m hungry, I’m tired, and well, blah. 
There is no doubt in my human mind that I’m strong.  I have dealt with just about any situation one could ever imagine being in. I have never lost a child – so I can’t relate with anyone there, thank god.  Anything else, any other area, I think I’m game to relate too.  I don’t have a lot of physical contact with people on a daily basis so I find myself having to prove myself to everyone.  I’m burnt out on proving myself, I really am.  There are less than a handful of people on this planet that actually know the real me and know not to judge me.  Everyone else can just go to fuckin’ hell.  I’m so tired of people making assumptions of me, judging me before even seeing me, whatever.  I like staying real.  If you have a *pondering thought* of judgement to cast on your mind towards me, I’d really love to have that brought up to my face before it festers in someone’s mind and it becomes their reality of me.  With me, nine times out of ten I get the craziest judgments cast on me simply because people are fucking morons that take something wildly out of context and or have an agenda/vendetta against me for some stupid reason or another.  
There are absolutes in my life. Not everything has absolutes.  Not everything is black or white.  I like shades of grey.  My mind DOES NOT think in absolutes despite being told about 5000 times in the past 6 months.  I guess it could come across that way when you’ve pretty much lost everything in your life except kids in the few months you’ve known someone.  I think I got a record breaking amount of times I was told I was miserable and needed to be happy in a 6 month period as well.  Starting in May of this year I had to come to terms with one thing, other people devaluing my worth.  I do not know why I let it happen, but I did.  I have been building up my self-worth since 2011.  I love feeling like i’m worth something to someone.  When there is nobody around that shows any worth in you, well, it’s very hard to maintain self-value.  I struggle with that.  I’m about the most unique girl on the planet. I’m so multifaceted I amaze myself. Nobody gives a shit.  That is an absolute in my life — at least right now… but not a permanent absolute.  It could change. 
I hide in the shadows because I don’t want attention. I fucking hate attention.  There’s a reason I’m always behind a camera and not in front of it.  Dare I show someone a picture of me and the first thing that gets said is I like that kind of attention.  That is not an absolute.   Few things piss me off more than someone taking my character out of context, assuming shit, especially when the people who do it, truly don’t even know you.  Sure, I don’t mind being called out on something if there is legitimately something i’ve done wrong.  I’ll happily admit my faults and learn my lesson. I’ve always been good like that. Pretty much, if I have to argue about something, I’m arguing because I know I’m right.  People like to argue with me about me.  I get criticized a lot for trying to be “good”.  I never thought in a million years my view on doing good in life would be looked at as a selfish conceited notion, but wow, some people have nerve.   Then again, I never thought in a million years explaining my skills would be translated into being conceited either. It’s not my fault I like sharing what I’m good at doing.  Finding anyone who respects that i’m multifaceted and enjoys it is difficult.  I guess I would like at some point in my life to feel useful and appreciated.  I’m sorta still waiting.  
I’m feeling rather humiliated right now over life drama that I shouldn’t feel humiliated over.  It is embarrassing though. I actually feel like I want to crawl into a dark hole and stay there til i’m like 92 years old.  My brain really hurts physically and literally speaking, I’m tired of explaining myself, I’m tired of justifying my actions, I’m tired of proving who I am over and over and over again to people that just will not pay attention to me.  I don’t know what I need to do to express I am just “me” and I myself am not an “absolute”.  I use many mediums online to show people who I really am. My website is the more depressing of the mediums because I tend to write out my issues.  So someone can click away from this site sometimes easily thinking i’m just this miserably depressed human.  That is not true. Some tell me it is absolutely true. WTF?  
Most of the stuff I go through, no single person can claim to understand what it feels like to be me in just one fucking week.  That is an absolute.  Seriously, on Dec. 30th, 2014 at 11:40p.m. you bring a Walmart to a standstill because a stupid non-English cashier just thinks you repeated 5 times that everyone in the store was going to die tonight (humiliating), Dec. 31, 2014 you blow up every bad memory of 2014, and you enjoy doing it, you wish yourself a great 2015, only so that January 3, 2015 you find out someone was planning to abandon your family for another country/woman without telling you [fast forward a bad few days] then on January 7th reading a news article outing your name as a victim and feeling helpless and no longer in control because your reputation just got tainted.    My privacy, the little privacy I valued, gone… just fucking gone.  I may be very public, but there are many aspects of my life I wish to remain private and POOF. Gone.   I feel like I need to go to court and change my whole damn name now.  I’m proactive.  Apparently there are folks out there that see that as a bad thing.  I mean, who else besides me gets shamed for trying to keep drugs out of my neighborhood, really.  
I have a new cause to attack now.  I’m going to destroy the website dailycommercials.com – for outing me.  I have a new vendetta, a new mission. Not just for me, but for humiliating my family, outing a great lady I decided to fight for before even telling her who I was, and ultimately her four kids who now may have to suffer with humiliation.  Victim rights… does that even exist anymore? Really?  Hell, someone tried to kill me with a knife when I was younger.  Can’t find that online, but god damn, just wow.  If the media wants to report shit, the media needs to make sure what they report is accurate. I politely requested my name be removed from this site. They didn’t.  I can’t wait til my name is scraped and spit out all over the internet.  
Pride… gone.  Gutted.  Then I get called rude.  Ok, i’m never rude. Rude isn’t in my behavior.  Nobody would ever say that about me or to my face if they knew me. Someone will say they know me but then say stuff that is “absolutely not true”.  I worked hard all my life to be positive. I really hate it when I’m faced with confronting people accusing me of being negative.  What does humanity want me to do, hold all my thoughts in my mind, and then taking it out and killing 500 people when i’m 50 because I’ve let it all fester in my brain.  Not a good thing to do.  My outlet is right here… that’s what keeps me happy in-person.  Few people can make me cry in person, few people dare have the guts to insult me to my face, but the people I respect the most, are the exact people who have this capability.  
I respect everyone. I fight for everyone.  Don’t judge me until you know me, and even then, ask before assuming.  Otherwise i’ll get angry that you assumed false things. It’s not a lose-lose with me ever, there is always a winning way to deal with me.  Honesty.  Keep it real. Nothing beats it.  
I’m pretty stripped of dignity after the last couple weeks. I’d really like to change that around pronto.  Nothing could have ever prepared me for what I went through in less than 365 days.  The last week alone was almost too much to handle.  Giving me space is never the best idea or excuse for anyone to ignore me either. I need people to talk too. I thrive on it.  I spent most of my time talking to literal “ghosts” that don’t actually give a damn and barely talk back.  It’s ok – I have a blog for a reason. My blog also doesn’t respond back — on purpose.  I don’t require anybody to tell me anything or comment.  I just like sharing. Heck, I don’t know what i’d do with myself if someone was there to respond back to me.  That would be a complete shocker scenario for someone like me.  
Blah.  Someone can kill my mood in one word.  I haven’t even begun to think about recent events, so I’m not even at the point of my usual over analyzing anything yet.  I can’t wait til i’m bored sometime and over analyzation takes place.  I can’t wait to have a 10 row stock ticker of different thoughts on each line moving at varying speeds in multiple directions in my brain to keep me awake at night again but that’s gonna happen soon.
Blah.
Blah.
How’s that for an utterly scattered posting of thoughts.  I just need to sleep I think.  What a weird weird devastatingly fucked up inhumane week of life. Yes, my use of the F word still remains high when stressed. Fuck.