Published on: Dec 24, 2014 @ 13:54 – 
I’m heading into social media radio silence for a few days.  Staying grounded in reality tells me that really, nobody wants to hear “sad” or “depressing” things during the holiday season.  It’s Christmas Eve and I never decorated my Christmas tree, only went shopping for my girls, the outside of my house is barely decorated, I have no family, I have nobody to cook for, no truly close friends to talk too, and in general it is a complete 180 turn from this day last year.  I was sick last Christmas, was only able to wake up for about 20 minutes on Christmas day to video my kids and my mom opening gifts, and I have no idea where the footage is of my mom’s last Christmas.
Every Christmas Eve at 8p.m. we’d start watching our “24 hours of A Christmas Story” on TBS, my mom always watching it the whole solid 24 hours. I can’t even turn the movie on this year.  I’m sure Matt will enjoy doing that to me though anyway and I will leave the room.  It took me 11 months to put Duck Dynasty back on my possible viewing list.  My mom’s favorite show, and was mine.  
Everyone deserves a happy holiday season and I don’t need to dampen that spirit.  I do and I don’t want 2015 to arrive, because at the start of 2014, I would have never imagined i’d be where I’m at today.  It scares me to start a new year. If I say it can’t get any worse, well, that’s never a true statement in my life.  If I wish for a great year as I have in years past, it never happens.  I want 2015 to be a year of change, that’s for sure, but only for the better.  This week is so difficult because 7 days from now we blew off $500 in fireworks at ball dropping after picking my mom up from Celebration hospital after they told us on New Years Eve that she would live a lot longer on one tiny pill a day.  Little did I know I only had a month left.
I never get anything for Christmas or birthday’s in years past, I never really ask for anything either.  That’s just a message to my family that says, “it’s ok, we don’t have to think about Jen at all” and so far that’s how it’s been.  I do so much for everyone else I deserve to be thought about just once.  Today my oldest, Chris, says, “What am I getting for Christmas?” and I replied, “Well, what are you getting me or making me?” (I’m simple, even a hand drawn card or something works), and he says he has no money.  Andrew after that asks me for a hammer and bag so he can knock of some quartz crystals from some of our stones. I thought, well maybe he’s making something for me.  Nope, he wanted to give them to his friend.
Sometimes it does suck to be the last thought on everyone’s mind.  Anyone that knows me personally knows that I put everyone else first, myself last.  It’s just me, but it is wearing on me a little now.  My kids are learning to be selfish because Matt won’t even take them to a dollar store to pick things out for people or make things at home.  They are never going to understand it’s better to give than to receive. I enjoy watching a persons reaction when I give, that is the greatest feeling ever.   My kids don’t know that feeling, nor does Matt or anyone I knew personally.  I was the grand daughter that would go out and spend $150 on my grandma, all while knowing I was only going to get the standard $20 card.  That was fine for me – it’s the feeling of giving and making people happy.
So I head into social media radio silence starting…… now.