Published on: May 27, 2014 @ 7:21 – 
Where to start?  I don’t know.  The last 10 days haven’t been good, but maybe my week will end on a positive note.  I can always dream of six impossible things before breakfast.  Nothing for me is impossible, well, I take that back, influencing those who don’t care to be influenced is impossible.  The last 4 years of my life I have had to unnecessarily re-live this week, all because someone else I knew committed suicide.  The last time someone died a normal old age death, non-traumatizing like the others was when my grandpa died in 2000.  Since then, gruesome and horrible ways to die have happened all around me.   I mean, I guess when you blow your brains out that’s the quick, easy way out, but getting the nitty gritty details didn’t help me.  Once that happened, it opened up a can of worms in my mind that I could dispose of because of one idiot in my life.  I spent too much crying, and too much time not sleeping this week trying to understand it all.
But I’m a strong person, I’ve already put it behind me.  It just takes myself to kick my own ass in my mind to straighten out.  I have amazing coping abilities so says many others, and this is the reason why.  This week has just been one more heart and mind toughening experience to add to my resume.  It’s not because I forgive and forget, it’s because I realize the person behind my grief is the real blame.
One thing I have to reiterate to many many people is just never take me for granted, don’t ever lie to me, and just be real.  If you can’t be real with me, you aren’t worth my time or effort.  My best friend knows this, and everyone I know on any personal level knows this. The good in me is slowly being leached away by bad people.  Nothing gets me more than finding out someone you trust is a complete fake.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep and be real and straight with me.  Why people feel the need to hide from me, I have no idea. I admire anyone that can come to me with anything and not hide anything.
I will admit I’m very picky when it comes to making any new friends. I say if YOU give me just 2 minutes of YOUR time, you’ve bought a friend for life.  That doesn’t not translate to me donating my time to you and you happen to be there.  There has to be effort on both sides.
I have a very known self-worth problem.  I see myself as valuable to others, and that is how you are supposed to view yourself.  However, I am easily susceptible of others degrading my value for no reason.  Like, if I actually valued anything my husband told me, I’d be as valuable as our national debt.  But I’m on the positive side of value, not negative.  I can contribute to this world something.  I may not have figured out exactly what yet, but I want too.
I grew up knowing to love and respect everyone, never, ever put anybody on a pedestal above you, and never ever look at anyone as being below you.  I want to feel equal in society.  I can be a great friend, but I just don’t want to be a therapist anymore.  It’s one thing if you have the occasional problem and you need a really good friends advice, but I spent 14 years being a therapist to my best friend and others and I’m very burnt out on helping others right now, especially when they forget I exist on my birthday, or Christmas, or Mother’s Day.  I take care of everyone if they need something, but I’m losing that faith to do good.  I really do want to remain that philanthropic person, but then again, 9 times out of 10 that person is actually taking advantage of my goodness.
It is not hard to make me happy.  Devote a little time, at least once in your life make me feel special, be honest with me at all times without fear that I will go postal on you, and damn it, send me a single rose and i’ll be a happy camper.  I don’t get that at all.  I have never in my life been given those benefits.  I get ignored most of my day, except when anyone is hungry.  Certain people in my life make my good out to be some sort of evil.  Like, they will say, “You think you are so good, which makes everyone else seem so small and not good!”  When a statement like that is completely true.
The only thing I do is take pride that I have led an honest life, for the most part, never done any drugs so to set an positive example for my kids, help people when they need it regardless of their socioeconomic status, and drive to the ends of the earth for people when they are in desperate need.  My good is no evil, it’s just pride I have.  When someone devalues my good, it makes me feel really bad.  I also don’t need people insulting my misfortunes in life. I can’t help what I’ve been through healthwise, but I let one idiot make fun of me.
I am going to start getting out more and living free or I’m going to go stir crazy.  Man, I have to travel alone to Michigan in less than a month.  I would so badly love a companion to be with me and enjoy what I love to do.  I hate flying, especially if I have to do it alone, which I only did once.  I would love to spend that time with a great friend who makes me happy.  It’s nice like I’m hanging out in Detroit.  Most things away from Detroit are nice.  I don’t want to have to spend most of my time alone there, but I will because my friend works and so does my sister.  I’m only going June 25-June 29th.  Maybe there will be a good fireworks show while I’m there.  Chances are I will get there and everyone will be too busy to see me, and I won’t do anything except sit in a hotel room and do nothing.  One of the six impossible things I will dream about before breakfast tomorrow will be hoping I had someone to go with me to Michigan!  But since I don’t know anybody at all, oh well on that thought!  A girl can think all she wants but it doesn’t produce a friend!
So I am closing now and will reopen a new blog when I have something cool to talk about or something positive.  I have nothing to be negative over right now.  I have to see past the past, literally!