Published on: Apr 26, 2008 @ 20:11 – 
I’m still grieving really badly over my dad’s passing.  I can’t help but think he should still be here today, and that he would be here today if I hadn’t have signed the paper giving them permission to rake him off life support.  I don’t know how to handle this.
There is constant, non-stop streaming of memories going through my brain at a million miles per hour.  It doesn’t matter where I am at or what I am doing my thoughts are always overcome by these memories.  I have to grieve about two people, and that makes it harder.  I have my grandma who passed away last week and my dad who passed away exactly 1 week later.  This is so hard.
We cleaned out his apartment yesterday, and that was very emotional for me.  I don’t know what happened to him in the last few years but his apartment was deplorable.  Sifting through things I found some things I will always keep forever.  Amongst the garbage I found his baby book, along with a little homemade chain that said “gebuis” on it…. which was my father’s birth last name.  That saddened me.  I found his birth certificate in there.  Then I went into what was left of his bedroom and just sat on the tattered bed staring around.  I noticed the dollhouse he had worked so hard on during his “doll house phase” had been smashed to the floor.  I noticed the camping equipment scattered everywhere.  These are things that mean so much to us because we spent time with him camping, the thing he loved to do most.  It saddened me because we had to leave that stuff behind, for the apartments to clear out.  I grabbed the stuffed animals I knew were his as a kid.  He had them in a bag, and I brought them home and placed them in a space bag so I could keep them forever.  I kept one out, a bunny, so that I could keep it next to my bed at night so I would think of him.  A picture he had on the wall that I have loved since I was a child I took home and I will place it on my wall, as well as a wooden barometer.  I have the antique dresser in front of my bed now, and I put all his little wooden carvings of animals on top of that.  Everything I grabbed was something from my childhood.
I also found several drawings we had made of him in the closet, that brought back many memories.  I also found some homemade father’s day cards as well.  The one things I found that I am most proud of was his “Honorable Discharge” from the Navy.  I grew up thinking he was kicked out with a dishonorable discharge.  I was so happy to see that it was in fact an honorable discharge.
I did find a wonderful scrapbook he had kept regarding the landing of the first man on the moon.  There are some wonderfully preserved magazines and newspaper clippings.  That will remain special to me, but even more special because that is something Matt loves.
I’m still so very upset about all of this.  We were so close in some respects but we were also so far apart.  It hurts me.